went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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