after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
