R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize