I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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