The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When are your genitals available?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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