Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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