i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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