are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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