I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
