We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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