I showed him my bush... on skype.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
