are you so shy because you have an std?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
