He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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