WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
