I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.