just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there