Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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