we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
where are my eyebrows?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
