dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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