I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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