Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
