Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
