Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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