I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
