I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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