my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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