I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
