I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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