so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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