I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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