I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
