Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I smell stomach acid.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
