Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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