**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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