I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
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All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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