Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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