im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
