I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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