I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Someone signed my nipple.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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