I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
