why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
