Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
