Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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