btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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