I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
