I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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