omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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