Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
