who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I fill condoms, not promises.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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