"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
