I'm jealous of your bromance
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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