omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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