took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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