I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
