Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
