Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
