There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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