I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
