Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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