I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
