I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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