It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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