finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
